Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in lilysdeamons' LiveJournal:

Thursday, January 6th, 2005
9:35 pm	the world in a world i have recently invited an ex to live with me. She has been wanting to run away from her husband and things there. So after much diliberation and finally sucumbing to the need of money that my family needs i made the offer. Though i would really be much happier with her living with me then i can actually help her with her pregnancy and her kids. Though i will not get too involved and there i will be asking for help from family and friends that i trust to help keep me in check so i dont try to cross lines that dont need to be crossed. But that is if she even takes the offer. It was suggested but it is still in the air. However with her situations there is a 70 30 chance with the 30 being that she will take it. Not sure how it will go but everything happens for a reason. And we will see how things play out. School has started again. I am still poor but i am finished with my one class already. And half way through the next. online courses are amazing. easy most of them at least. Then i will be transferring to a university that is online as well. but that will happen in about a year if i can push myself to take 5 to 8 classes each semester. i will see how things play out and go from there. not really sure how to go about getting a job in my field but things will work themselves out. hopefully i will make some money soon. thinking about looking into those stuffing envelope work at home jobs and see if it is worth my time. and continue to try with the online store. things will be as they are and eventually change.... i am curious but not really caring either. strange how i feel. (Comment on this)
9:27 pm	dreams I had this dream last night where i was hanging out with some friend like people but didnt actually know them and there were some ghosts in the room and kinda freaked me out but got used to them being there and then there was this one that had changed ther way they looked a number of times and i finally asked them what they were and it settled on the form of an attractive black woman. And there was a story with her about how she had lost her parents or something and was a slave to the owner of the house or something. Then another ghost had hit me but was dressed in ancient egyptian attire like a guardsman or something and the staff that i was hit with had a amber looking stone on it that was ob-long and it fucking hurt my back. Then i invited a friend back to my house to hang out and when i got there police knocked on the door but they werent cops but addressed thamselves as such and started to come in to the house and i was freaking out and pissed that they were coming in. then i went to my house which was nextdoor and they were there too and i was livid and freaking out on them saying how they weent cops and they were not allowed to be here. Then they tried to put me in chains and my mom was outside and she grabbed the chains and pretended to put them on me. I told her i was going to go insane. Then there were some animal control trucks that pulled up and i asked my mom if they were going to try and take the animals and she said yeah...and i started to cry. We were losing everything. Our home our animals and i was going to jail and i was still pissed because they werent even cops. So i was about to go crazy on them all and i woke up. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 29th, 2004
8:43 pm	trying and faling and trying and falling so i try and try to get things done and i am slowly getting my work done but getting so confused along the way as well as wanting to not go on anymore. crazy i know i am but its true how far away from everything and everyone i feel and sometimes i think it is better for me to just leave it all behind me. school sucks in that i just dont put in the effort. maybe soon though i will dedicate myself to it to only lose my self in my work so i can not remember what it was like to be in love and to feel the hurt i feel. maybe i will become consumed with learning to run away from it all. maybe i will be consumed with addiction of some kind to escape it all. i am not sure where my life is leading me....but now i am being the dear daughter who is always lending a helping hand and the best friend who wont leave to help her bring another of her children into this world ....i cant let her be alone. But i will stay just long wnough for her to get back with him when the time comes or be there to help their marriage. how fucked up is it that i have to help the one who broke my heart out of my own personal obligation to a friendship that meant so much to me and a love that meant so much to me yet meant nothing to her. and here i am still with my heart behind my back so she cant see and i am slowly closing the door to her as we move on with our lives that will seemingly be entwined for a long time. will i finally be pushed so far that i go over the edge? so many times i have been there and so close i have come to just jumping off the edge just to have something different happen to me. but i think i am suduced by the fear of falling to a point where i know i can never return. all things mortal i know. all things mortal i can survive.....but to finally end this life....i know it will only be a memory at some point in time....but time doesnt really exist....and this has already happened and this is only a memory and i am not really here. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, November 5th, 2004
10:41 pm	sometimes i like to fall down seems lately that i am finding so many reasons to want to not exist. maybe i just want to be needed and i find that there is no one who needs me. everyone is self suficiant. and she the one who i wanted to need me more than anyone because of our history together never needed me at al and especially now...doesnt need me. i used to think that i was needed by her and by her girls. but i think i just caused more harm than good. i am a pathetic person desperatly looking and searching to mean something to her and her girls. to justify my bitterness and longing for death. so intense i can be. to a fault. like tonight. i am just looking for a reason and i have so many and i try and call her and she is never there and i feel like i am just a problem to her just a girl who calls that is nothing but drama. just a child desperate for attention. but the cuts are real and the pills are real and my death will be real but i know i cant do it because i dont want to live this life again. i know i am nothing and dont mean much to many. what kind of difference can i make. why am i so desperate to be needed. why cant i just need myself. i guess i just want to have some kind of purpose. with her i had a purpose....to help her and provide for her and her girls....but i have no place in her life for that now that she is married. it was nice for the time being to play along.....to be there for someone who needed me....or at least who i though may have needed me. but maybe it was never that way for her. maybe it was only that way for me. i was going to live with her to keep things going with being needed as a person she can hang out with and maybe even be a baby sitter once in awhile but now i cut that option out too. it wouldnt be very good for me to be a distraction in her life like that especially now that there may be one on the way. she needs to be with her boy husband and kids and live her life the way she wants without me getting in the way and causing problems. i always cause problems with everyone i get involved with. i have a bad temper, i am a jealous person, i am chaotic and moody, i am possessive ...all ingredients to a bad person. i cant accept that i am liked yet i want to be loved and needed. what a pickle i get myself into. maybe i just like being in pain...maybe i like that no one really will ever get to know me. maybe i like the misery that lingers with me. no one can know how low i can go into myself and how much i can hurt myself ...not even me. i really just want to be happy....but it seems all i ever get is hurt by everyone i have ever loved. cant i just meet someone who will love me just as much and will stick by and through it all like i have done for everyone else...cant i meet someone who is like me...just as stubborn and strong willed....someone who wont let me run away.... i am just so tired of being hurt...of hurting...but i dont know how to get out of the hole i am in. and i fall away from myself and i am lost within myself searching for a way out of this mess but all i keep running into is ways to hurt myself. i think that if i mentally block things it will help but i know it wont help because then i am simply not facing things. but what am i supposed to face. what is right and what is wrong. i cant tell anymore. i am so confused about everything. i now motives and i know excuses and i know my truth and i know some of others but not enough....i dont know enough truth. what am i supposed to do with someone who tells me they are in love with me but are also in love with the boy they married. what am i supposed to do when i am told that she wants to have sex with me and wants the friendship to stay as it is. what am i supposed to do when she tells me that i should love her at a distance. why do i let myself be put through all of this. the razor blades are there unfolding their truth to me. and i just want to look away but i am so fond of seeing my blood flow as the ground is so eager to drink it up. i dont know how to ask for help and i dont have a place to run and hide..... i just want to disappear for a while....just go away and be taken care of by someone who cares. but it just doesnt work that way....life just doesnt exist that way. and i just dont want to exist because i just dont know how to deal with a years worth of dealing with the shit i have been through. it has to be worth it some how...i just cant see the bigger picture anymore. and i dont feel good about my life. i am so full of duality...and opposites. i just want to know what is the right thing to do for all involved. but i dont. maybe i wont....maybe i never will know. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
8:18 pm	falling and failing i know i am not much of a person and i know i am weak. people say that i mean something to them but they dont understand that i mean nothing to myself. i dont know how to mean something to myself because all i see are my failures and disapointments. i dont know how to change that. i am weak because i try to kill myself sometimes but not at the same time. i am weak because i fall down hard on my ass and dont want to get back up. i am weak because i dont think i mean a thing to anyone and how could i possibly make a difference. i am weak because i think i am weak. i have no direction in life right now and i know i just need to stick it out until my time is up. but the thing that hurts me the most is that i want to know and trust that someone out there is looking for me and that will be there for me through everthing and will not hurt me. i want someone by my side that can stand next to me. but i am a shadow that is hard to find and likes to hide. i like to hurt myself so i can feel something other than the pain of rejection. yes i know people love me and i have no idea why and i really dont understand it. what is it that they see that they like? but the one i want to love me doesnt. the ones i wanted to love me dont. i want to give up on love and block it all out of my life so i will never be hurt again. but i know that is an impossibility for me. i am too sensitive. i care so much for others and that caring isnt returned....maybe i care for the wrong people. maybe it is just me. and then when someone does care will i blow it all off and calk it up to some thing that is not real? i am crazy and i have been told that many times. i think i am just erratic and changeable. but sometimes yeah i guess i am crazy. crazy for wanting to die. crazy for breaking myself open to feel pain. crazy for wanting more than what i have and wanting what i cant have. i just dont know anymore if anything is worth being here for. in the end it doesnt really matter anyway. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 1st, 2004
5:24 pm	the days linger so i went to visit and to participate in her wedding. the night before was ok with the initial hellos and i miss you's. then later came the alcohol. reminicing and talking about all kinds of things. then the kiss. unexpected and interesting but of course leads to drama since she was getting married the next day and her boy very soon after walked in the door. fighting came next. and i was pissed about some many things. and i punched the wall and possibly broke my hands or at least fractured them...will find out soon if i go to the hospital. I know the marriage wont last and i know she is simply living out what she thinks she is supposed to do and there is so much more to it all. I care for her yes.... and there is a part of me that is still in love with her. I cant help that as much as i wish i could. Unfortunately i dont fall in love easily and when i fall in love it is very far that i fall and falling out of love is even harder for me. I have the marks to prove it. I find out later that they ended up arguing over me...that he made her choose me or him and she chose me and then he simply acepts it and still marries her. Too young he is to understand what he is doing....but all things in life are lessons to learn. To me she is my best friend....maybe not a good one when it comes to matters of the heart but still someone i know will now do anything for me. granted there is a lot of confusion about a lot of things between her and i...it will all eventually come to light what needs to be done. Perhaps i am simply her safty net...perhaps i am just someone she likes to keep around to help her from going crazy...perhaps she is trying to have her cake and eat it too...who knows what the truth is....at least until it is revealed. I have been hurt very much by her....and maybe my proving that i will not leave proves something to her....maybe that is it...maybe i needed/need to go through all of this so i can better appreciate what i have...and other relationships. i dont know. The wedding hurt me more than i thought it would have...i was more upset then i thought. i was angry because even she knows she shouldnt have done it but did it to get over her fear. but its her life not mine and i cannot do anything about it. Still moving to WA with her and her new family. I will live my life and she will live hers. The night of the wedding after all had left she gave me some shrooms and i left with a friend while her and her new boy husband did their own little ceremony and stuff that married people do. I went for a drive with my friend and started feeling very good!! colors were amazing and i was having so much fun. Got on the phone with Michelle and she took advantage of my vunerability in a most unexpected way. She cornered me. I have never been backed into a wall like that before where i couldnt dance around with words at all. She told me everything i needed to hear that no one else would say or at least if it was said i dismissed it and she forced it down my throat. It was the best thing to happen to me. to be shown that someone cares as much as she does and didnt let me run away from anything. it was really fucking cool and scary at the same time. I am still confused about a lot of things in my life. I dont know how things will work out but i am so thankful for the friends i have!! That night was the best i had in a really long time!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
6:42 pm	sometimes i wonder the feelings sway and i dont know what to do...lost in my own world of self destruction i know this is not good for me but i really dont know what is good for me anymore. my thoughts remain as they have been and i feel that i am worth less than ever. i know to some i mean something. but to the one i wanted to mean more to i am not. i will always remain as a friend. how much can i really handle though. once again i am broken. told that i am not loved and yet i still linger in the thought that maybe someday i will be loved...or maybe this was it and maybe there isnt anyone out there who could ever truely love me. after all i am a very angry person who cant even stand herself. i use and abuse and hurt myself. all over one stupid feeling and it seems that sometimes i just cant control it. consumed by hatred for myself i cut and cut and hurt and bleed because it is all i know that will take away the pain i feel. simply replacing one pain for another. but the body heals....not the heart. broken pieces fall from me...so many times i have picked them up...the pieces of my heart....i think now i will just leave them on the ground leave my shattered heart on the floor and just walk away. no heart no pain. what can i lose then. it is already lost. yeah ...i am pathetic...but it doesnt really matter. i will die soon and i will feel no longer what i feel now. thats all that matters. to not feel this pain. to not suffer like this. this kind of intensity should not exist. should not exist within me as it drives me to anger to rage to more pain. but lost i am within myself as i try desperately to find a light but i only see the darkness that surrounds me...my misery, my faults, my flaws, my rejection of myself. how could anyone love me...i cant even love myself. misery loves company...but i only ever want to be alone....i want to let it all seep from me and fall to the floor...covering the floor with what is left of me. dark sticky maroon. my life flowing from me to be washed away. simply meaningless. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
10:13 pm	strange days my attention is faltering and my hopes getting stranger. she tells me things are getting complicated and issues are being forced for her to deal with. i hope she doesnt go through with it i want her to say she cant. i want her to know that it was always me but i wonder if it could work out. i wonder after all that has happened.....is this going to make me happy? i do love her. life is going to be interesting but i still cant seem to let things go Current Mood: confused Current Music: 8mm (Comment on this)